Joke du Jour (tm) Set 1. Volume 13; Issue 25. Jan 25, 1999
Ahh, the pregnancy... The blessed time of life.... Or is it?
LadyHawke
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"Pregnancy Q & A"
I. Before The Pregnancy
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husbandwears boxers rather then briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if
he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the
a baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure
our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials.
Whom should I contact about this?
A: Your therapist
. II. During The Pregnancy
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning
sickness
or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: I normally wear a size 34-C bra.Now that I'm
pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
A: Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a
size 34-Long.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a
baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby
move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end,
and even my feet have grown. Is there anything
that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able
to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a
normal craving?
A: Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of
pregnancy bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another
woman.
Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth
month of pregnancy?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called
an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out your pregnant.
Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the
entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q: What are forceps?
A: Giant baby tweezers.
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
III. After The Pregnancy
Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not
be circumcised?
A: When it's a girl, for starters.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink
her plans to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling
them in a saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from
nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: What is the grasp reflex?
A: The reaction of new father's when he sees new
mother's breasts.
Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they're
thrown away?
A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event
of global chemical warfare.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: What causes baby blues?
A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q: What is colic?
A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q: What are night terrors?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother
dreams she's pregnant again.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife
begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering
from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
