To tell you the truth, I'm pretty amazed by the number of

people who actually remembered my Birthday from my

last year's not-so-humble announcement and sent me

notes of congratulations. I thank you all from the bottom

of my heart. No, don't ask how old I am. I celebrate

my birthdays; I just don't count them. I stopped after 25.

How much weight do we lose during sex? The diet

literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing

tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning

sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a

survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote

more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf,

and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex

manual.

EXAMPLES

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off 1 slice (large) chocolate

cake.

25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off 2 slices of pizza

with cheese & mushrooms.

53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off 1 cheeseburger with

14 french fries.

53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off Christmas turkey

with all the trimmings.

PREPARING THE BEDROOM

Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights

42 (calories burned)

ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS

Hiding the sex manual 3

Decanting the wine 4

Without a corkscrew 268

MAKING THE FIRST MOVE

If you are shy 15

If you are anxious 43

If you beg 100

SEDUCING THE PARTNER

If you are rich (cash) 5

If you are rich (credit card) 15

If you are poor 200

INITIAL BODY CONTACT

Fumbling 4

Casually rummaging around 7

Seriously rummaging around 42

REMOVING CLOTHES

With partner's consent 12

Without partner's consent 187

Removing socks by violently shaking feet 418

AROUSAL AND STIMULATION

Blowing in partner's ear 15

Blowing in your own ear 2,512

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed)

Partner looks better with clothes on 10

Partner wears corrective underwear 15

Partner turns out to be of wrong sex 100

You don't mind 0.25

Partner wearing elevated socks 50

DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME

Fumbling around 4

Desperately trying to put something somewhere 18

Completely missing 126

POSITIONS

Italian (man on top; woman on bottom) 26

German (facing each other, but in different beds) 48

English (woman on top; man hiding) 15

American (both on top) 1,243

AFFLICTIONS

Leg cramp 36

Making believe you don't have a leg cramp 612

Sneezing (during intercourse) 7

Sneezing (during orgasm) 588

ASSORTED ACCIDENTS

Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one) 5

Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know) 72

Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray) 1

Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress) 17

Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg) 133

Calling your partner the wrong name 50

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE

Shoes flew off 15

Expression didn't change 0.5

Room turned purple 4

Face turned purple 78

Earth moved 30

If Earth actually moved 1,234,588

Moaning in Turkish 506

THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX

"I am so grateful" 15

"It must have been something we ate" 15

"Was it good for you?" 15

"Are you finished?" 15

TRYING AGAIN

If woman is ready 5

If man is not 563

ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP

After sex 18

During sex 546

While parking car 212

SLEEP

Real 5

Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner) 74

TAKING A BATH TOGETHER

In a bath 5

In a sink 150

In a jacuzzi 15,269

MAKING THE BED

With partner still in it 44 (indicates either a neatness

obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who

is very tired).

With you still in it 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal

and profound dissatisfaction)

KEEPING A JOURNAL

Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be

helpful for keeping track of weight loss.You needn't go

into detail, just list the activity and the number of

calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal

(for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual

experience might read as follows

December 1st Sex with Harold

Explaining how 12

Suggesting something different 3

Calming terrified Harold 40

Encouraging him to at least take off his socks 8

Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that) 56

Intercourse (standing position) 22

Intercourse (holding Harold up) 10

Intercourse (urging him on) 5

Orgasm not sure

Thanking Harold 3

Waving bye-bye 1

Total time six minutes (taxi waiting)

"The Dieter's Guide to Weight Loss During Sex"

is a book written by Richard Smith and published

in 1978 by Workman Publishing Company,