Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the

humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New

Orleans' paper.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with

the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.

Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes,

basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun"

kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband

that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to

worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top

of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in

distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go

away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you

know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help

matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her

options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain,

suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski

outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even

notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than

adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line,

began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've

ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is

a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't

move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong

way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing

moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing

backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow

missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and

the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her

knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating

an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you

define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided

violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her

arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her

husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to

the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who

transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with

an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So. How'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding

up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There

was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down

the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes

and pants down around her knees."

"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize

how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

Ahhhhh...the ski season is here. The following is

a list of exercises to prepare for it

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in

the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards,

burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across

the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two

pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you

are looking for your car.

8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble

in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around

your toes.

7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw

one away.

6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for

a hamburger.Be sure to wait in the longest line.

5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket

and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the

ticket lacerate your face.

4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as

long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following

an 18 wheeler.

3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button

and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost

believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!

2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then

proceed to take them off because you have to go to

the bathroom.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday