“Drinking Guide for the Holidays”
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at
incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open
end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you
another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over
backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to
bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen
forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open or
glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom,
practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder
control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest
dog, complain about her house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking
through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you
another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being
carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being
taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with
bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has
exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth
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