"12 Days of Christmas. The Reality"
December 14, 2004
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear
Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure? Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this
way.
My
love always,
Agnes
================================================
December 15, 2004
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.
Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm
just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They
are just adorable.
All
my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 16, 2004
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now
I must protest. I don't deserve such
generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All
my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 17, 2004
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds.
Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
================================================
December 18, 2004
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the
postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger.
You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly,
all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All
my love,
Agnes
=================================================
December 19, 2004
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front
steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The
neighbors are complaining, and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
================================================
December 20, 2004
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never
stop the racket. I can't sleep at night, and
I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop
those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
================================================
December 21, 2004
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What
the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's
not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn
cows. There is manure all over the lawn, and I
can't move in my own house. Just lay off me,
smart ass.
Agnes
================================================
December 22, 2004
Hey Dick head:
What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now
there are nine pipers playing. And boy do they play. They've
never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all
over those screeching birds. What am I going
to do? The neighbors have started a petition
to evict me.
You'll
get yours!
Agnes
================================================
December 23, 2004
You rotten jerk:
Now there are ten ladies dancing. I
don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've
been balling those pipers all night long. Now
the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrhea. My
living room is a river of poop. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give
cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm
calling the police on you!
Agnes
================================================
December 24, 2004
Listen Sh*thead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been
committing sodomy with the cows. All
twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've
been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
You're
sworn enemy,
Agnes
================================================
December 25, 2004
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your
latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of
course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt
to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to
shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law
Offices of
Badger,
Bender and Chole
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