“Why I won't be Coming to Work Today”
1. If it is all the same to you,
I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I
took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel happy about
it.
3. I set half the clocks in my
house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some
kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source of exactly
e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a
rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
4. My stigmata are acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today
because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour
projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
7. I am stuck in the blood
pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted
some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able
to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
calling.
9. Constipation has made me a
walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come
to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this
jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
14. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead, and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day
should do it.
15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house
is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
18. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter
tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
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