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"Original Handbook to Football"
(An alternative to Standardized Guide to Bases)

Do you remember junior high and High school? Do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?... Well forget em!! This is "FOOTBALL!"   

With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any of the previous complications of having to remember the difference between second and third base and all that other crap. And you wonder why there was a strike in baseball and not football. Quite simply, baseball is a boring, confusing and often ambiguous game, especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the game of football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered this yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily solved using :

The Original Handbook Of Football.

WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FIELD (if you're not on the field, get on) your:

            10 yard line ............. holding hands

            20 yard line ............. hugging

            30 yard line ............. kiss on the cheek

            40 yard line ............. kiss on the lips

            MIDFIELD  .............. tongue kissing (serious territory)

            his/her: 40 yard line ............. shirt and bra off

            30 yard line ............. all clothes off

            20 yard line ............. ORAL SEX (getting or giving)

            1ST AND GOAL ............. put on the condom

            GOAL LINE    ............. TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE)

NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FIELD HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE.

kickoff...................making the first move (asking for a date)

kicking it deep..... Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting out deep in your own end)

on-side kick........... Asking out a slut (starting near midfield, Onside kicks are good if they work, but are risky)

kick return..............How far you get on the first date

NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE THE KICKOFF IS OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS, HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU.

Downs.....................An attempt to get more yards (get further with her.)  In Canada, you get two downs and then your best kick ie. ask out a new girl cause you ain't getting further with this one. Americans are more

patient, they get three downs before they should kick again Running the Ball..........Taking it one yard at a time.

Passing Play..............Skipping stages

UH OH

Fumble....................Impotence

Fumble Recovery...........Regain erection

Interception..............Homosexuality (YOU'RE GOING THE OTHER WAY!!)

OTHER DEFINITIONS

Turnover.........................Anal sex

Field Goal......................One of you orgasm, 3 pts (Field goal range begins around 30, when the clothes are off!)

Touchdown.....................Mutual orgasm, 6 pts

Extra Point.....................The smoke afterwards

Two Point Conversion......Smoke and a Phone number

High Scoring Game.........Multiple Orgasms

Rain Delay......................Parents/Roommate comes home

Pile Up...........................ORGY

Missed Field Goal...........Wide right, Wide left or even worse, too short!

3rd down and inches......Call for a measurement (Move those Yardsticks)

THE OFFENSE

Quarterback...................The most important position, the missionary

Quarterback Sneak.........Unusual positions

Center (HUPPER)............Doggie Style

Running Back.................A hand-off

Tight End.......................Self Explanatory

Wide Receiver................Opposite of Tight End

Nose Tackle..................(Use Your Imagination)

DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days)

Defensive Line...............Condom

Break in the defense......Condom breaks

The Safety....................The Pill (just to be safe)

A Blitz..........................A "Quickie"

PENALTIES

Roughing.................S & M

Holding...................Handcuffs or Restraints

Offside....................Premature Ejaculation

THE BOWLS

Rose Bowl.................Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE)

Citrus Bowl...............Healthy or Safe Sex

Peach Bowl..............Juicy/Wet Sex

Fiesta Bowl...............Sex in South America

Superbowl.................Marriage (The Big Dance)

Pro Bowl...................Paying for it

SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE FIELD AND ALL THE DEFINITIONS YOU CAN SEE HOW TO USE THEM.  HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USEFUL THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL REALLY IS.

1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but it turned out to be a tight end so there was a turnover.

2. There was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to midfield but then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to their 10

yard line. With 1ST and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to the Quarterback who did a Quarterback sneak.    The game turned out to be the highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!!

3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup.

4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line but on the field goal attempt I was short.

I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED OUR JOURNEY THROUGH THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL, AND YOU HAVE NOT ONLY HAD A CHUCKLE BUT WILL PASS IT ON TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU KNOW SO THAT ONE DAY THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL WILL REPLACE THE OLD, OUTDATED, INEFFICIENT, NO LONGER FUNNY STANDARDIZED GUIDE TO THE BASES.

 So, there you have it!