What do you mean have I been drinking?  You are the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9mm?  That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

No, YOU assume the position.

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.

No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.

Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

On the way to the station let's get a six pack.

You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer is that your nightstick, or are you just glad to see me?