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“New Potent Drugs”

Americans both male and female are cheering the end of male impotence.  And the company's stock is shooting up faster than the male appendages its new product is said to revive.  Soon phrases like, "This has never happened to me before," "I must be more tired than I thought I was" and the ever-popular, "Oh...wanna watch TV?" will be banished from our collective vocabulary.

Already development at Pfizer's Male Behavioral Health Laboratory, staffed entirely by female scientists, by the way, are a dozen or so other new drugs which - if perfected and deemed safe for humans - promise to alter your man's chemistry in yet more ways which should suit your fancy.

Here are some of the most promising, courtesy of my super-secret sources inserted deep within the company.

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days.  Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids.  Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).  Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.  Note:   Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects = into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs.  Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

TOILETAGRA - This drug enables men to lift the toilet seat, urinate in the bowl--not on the sides, and put the toilet seat down when they are through.

ALSO coming from Pfizers Male Behavioral Health Laboratory (this produced by male scientists, by the way) will be:

IGNORA - Men given this experimental new drug were able to ignore virtually 98% of all forms of female nagging.  Drawbacks include a 30-45 second 'kick-in' period which for some women can be long enough to really get going.  Side affects such as calmness and overwhelming happiness will eventually discontinue after the drug wears off.  Unfortunately, production has been slow because the assembly line workers had to go home to "mow the grass" and "fix the sink."  They all complained of suffering from some disease called "Honey Dew."