“How Cold Is It?”
(Fahrenheit / Celsius)
+50 / +10
* New York tenants turn on the heat
* Wisconsinites & Ontarians plant gardens
* Air mass too stable for supercells
+40 / +4
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Wisconsinites & Albertans sunbathe
+35 / +2
* Italian cars don't start
+32 / 0
* Distilled water freezes
+30 / -1
* You can see your breath
* You plan a vacation in Florida
* Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
* Wisconsinites & Manitobans eat ice cream
+25 / -4
* Boston water & Lake Ontario freeze
* Californians weep pitiably
* Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
+20 / -7
* Cleveland & New York water freezes
* San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
* Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
+15 / -10
* You plan a vacation in Acapulco
* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you UNDER the
blanket
* Wisconsinites & B.C. residents go swimming
+10 / -12
* Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* It's too cold to snow
* You need jumper cables to get the car going
0 / -18
* New York landlords turn on the heat
* Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yummy!
* Newfoundlanders grill hot dogs on the patio, yum!
-5 / -21
* You can HEAR your breath
* You plan a vacation in Hawaii
-10 / -23
* American cars don't start
* Too cold to skate
-15 / -26
* You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Miamians cease to exist
* Wisconsinites & Canadians lick flagpoles instead of
ice-cream
-20 / -29
* Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* People in Green Bay & Yukon think about taking down
screens
* Every other storm chaser thinks air is too stable for
supercells
-25 / -32
* Too cold to kiss
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* Japanese cars don't start
* Milwaukee Brewers & Ottawa Rough Riders head for
spring training
-30 / -34
* You plan a two-week hot bath
* Pilsener freezes
* Bock beer production begins
* Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof
-38 / -39
* Mercury freezes
* Too cold to think
* Wisconsinites & Canadians button top button
-40 / -40
* Californians disappear
* Wisconsinites & Quebecers put on sweaters
* Your CAR insists on sleeping in your bed with you
-50 / -46
* Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window
* Green Bay Packers practice indoors
-60 / -51
* Walruses abandon Aleutians
* Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the
Season"
* Wisconsinites & Ontarians put gloves away, take out
mittens
* Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-70 / -57
* Glaciers in Central Park
* Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
* Green Bay snow-mobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault
Ste. Marie
-80 / -62
* Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
* Rhinelander Birkebeiner
* Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-90 / -68
* Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
* Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
* Minnesotans migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be
warmer
* Ontarians migrate to New York thinking it MUST be warmer
south of the border
-100 / -73
* Santa Claus abandons North Pole
* Wisconsinites & Canadians pull down earflaps
-173 / -114
* Ethyl alcohol freezes
* Only Door County cherries are usable in brandy Manhattans
-297 / -183
* Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere
* Microbial life survives only on dairy products
-445 / -265
* Superconductivity starts
-452 / -269
* Helium becomes a liquid
-454 / -270
* Hell freezes over
* Chicago Cubs win the World Series
* Roger Edwards sees a wedge tornado
-456 / -271
* Texas drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-35
-458 / -272
* Incumbent politicians renounce campaign contributions
* Quebec drivers drop below 150 KPH on 400 highways
-460 / -273
(Absolute Zero)
* All atomic motion ceases
* Wisconsinites admit it's getting a mite nippy
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