“Lawyer Quickies”
A famous lawyer found himself at heaven's gates confronting St. Peter. He
protested that it was all a mistake: he was only 49, and was far too young to be dead.
"That's odd," said St. Peter, "according to the hours you've
billed, you're 119 years old."
A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated
one night. "Dad, listen," he
shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit."
"Settled it!?!" cried his astonished father. "Why, I gave that
to you as an annuity for life."
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I
begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me
$15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to
swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the
defense."
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped
in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses'
a*ses."
Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say.
You're in a horse country."
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney
charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second
$100 bill. Immediately the ethical question
arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the
witness.
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied.
"We didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure."
Why did G-d invent lawyers?
So that realtors would have someone to look down on.
What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
Accountants know they're boring.
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