“College Definitions”
THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to G-d.
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Talks with G-d.
PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable
winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with G-d if a special request is honored.
ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a Quonset hut.
Loses tug of war with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by G-d.
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall
buildings.
Is run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Treads water.
Talks to animals.
INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually.
Rides the rails.
Plays Russian Roulette.
Walks on thin ice.
Prays a lot.
GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls.
UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself.
DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
She IS G-d.
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