"If Men REALLY Ruled The World"
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to
"I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A "See you later." would
pretty much do it.
Drinking any type of beer would be a 100%-effective birth control method.
Your resume references would never be checked.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your
choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night." would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow, and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of
a brontosaurus and right into your car.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets
and pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
ugliness" ordinance.
Women in bars would fall into your arms whenever you said, "Come here
often?"
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you would be expected to present
your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in
leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go
drinking. Mother's Day, too. And your birthday.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. Only it would be
celebrated every month.
Cop shows would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden
Gate Bridge for the
most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football
from a Reverse Camera Angle. Hockey Night in Canada would be allowed to use the Puck Cam.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it
the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with
would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, my beer was spilling all
over the place."
Cop: "Good one. That's $10 off."
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100
proof."
Every car would have a four on the floor and fifth under the seat.
Standard feature on every car: Zero to 60 in 1.9 seconds
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Short shorts and miniskirts would always be in style.
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
You could have your choice and still be paid the same: Work or surf the Net.
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